Growing Around Grief
I have been reading How Will I Ever Get Through This? by psychologist and resilience expert Dr. Lucy Hone, and there is one idea from her book that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. She suggests that perhaps grief doesn't shrink over time. Instead, our lives grow around it.
The moment I read those words, I stopped. There was something about the idea that immediately resonated with me. It gave language to something I had experienced but had never quite been able to describe.
For so long, we've been told that time heals, that grief fades, or that one day we'll "move on." While I understand what people mean when they say those things, they have never fully resonated with me. The people we love don't become smaller. The memories don't become less meaningful. The love doesn't disappear.
What changes is us.
Our lives continue to expand. We have new experiences, meet new people, celebrate birthdays, welcome babies into our families, build friendships, travel, laugh, and discover new passions. We continue living. And somewhere within that growing life, grief finds its place. It doesn't leave us, but it no longer occupies every corner of our world because our world itself has grown.
As I reflected on Dr. Hone's words, I realized this has been true in my own life. Grief has deepened my compassion. It has given me a greater appreciation for ordinary moments and reminded me not to wait to tell people I love them. It has strengthened my desire to spend time with the people who matter most and to fill my days with experiences that bring meaning, joy, and connection.
I would never choose the losses that taught me those lessons. Yet I am grateful for the ways they have shaped the person I continue to become. Grief has not made my life smaller. If anything, it has expanded my understanding of what truly matters. It has made me more patient, more present, and more aware that each ordinary day is a gift.
Perhaps that is one of grief's quiet gifts. Not that it becomes smaller, but that, little by little, we become larger. Our capacity to love grows. Our empathy grows. Our gratitude grows. Our ability to sit with others in their own pain grows.
Maybe healing isn't about leaving grief behind. Maybe it is about allowing our lives to grow so beautifully around it that grief and joy, sorrow and hope, memory and possibility all have a place.
Perhaps healing isn't about growing beyond our grief.
Perhaps it's about growing a life big enough to hold it.
A note: If you're navigating grief or supporting someone who is, I highly recommend Dr. Lucy Hone's book, How Will I Ever Get Through This? It is one of the most thoughtful and practical books on grief I've read.
