We Need to Talk About Death

What happens when someone we love wants to talk about dying?

I think for many of us, the instinct is to turn away from the conversation. We reassure. We redirect. We say, Don't talk like that. You're going to be okay.

And I understand why.

The thought of losing someone we love can be almost unbearable. We want to protect them, protect ourselves, hold onto hope, and believe there will always be more time. Talking about death can feel as though we're somehow giving up.

But talking about death doesn't make it happen. And avoiding the conversation doesn't prevent it.

I've been thinking a lot about what might happen if, instead of turning away, we stayed in the conversation.

One of the reasons I started Peace in Grief is because I want us to become more comfortable talking openly about death and dying. Not because I want us to focus on death, but because I believe acknowledging that our lives are finite can help us appreciate them more deeply.

We get this one beautiful life. We get the people we love for however long we're fortunate enough to have them. There is heartache in knowing that none of it lasts forever, but there is also something incredibly meaningful in recognizing just how precious that makes our time together.

And when someone we love wants to talk about dying, listening can be a way of honoring both their life and our relationship with them.

A conversation can give someone the opportunity to tell us what they're thinking, what they're afraid of, what matters most to them, and what they hope for. It can give us the opportunity to understand their wishes, ask questions, say things we've been meaning to say, or simply sit beside them in something that is difficult and frightening.

Sometimes those conversations will be practical. Who would you want making decisions for you? What matters most if you become very sick? Are there people you want to see or things you want your family to know?

Other times, there may be absolutely nothing to solve.

Someone may simply need us to listen.

And perhaps that's the harder part. We don't need the perfect words. We don't have to make the fear disappear. We don't even have to be comfortable. We just have to resist the urge to close the door.

Maybe we say, I'm scared to talk about this because I love you so much, but I want to hear what you're thinking.

Or simply:

Tell me more.

There can be tremendous love in those two words.

My hope for Peace in Grief has always been about finding more peace in some of life's hardest moments. I believe some of that peace can come from knowing we listened when someone needed to talk. That we understood what mattered to them. That we said what needed to be said. And that we didn't allow our fear of losing someone to keep us from being fully present with them while they were here.

Talking about death isn't giving up on life.

Sometimes, it is one of the most loving ways we can honor it.